Some years ago I participated in a workshop, at the church, in which the issue of dating/courtship was discussed. The system of courtship is a practice that appears to be obsolete, except in rare cases, in the African-American community. Courtship was the practice of a young male and female, with parental permission, being involved in a non-sexual relationship in order to get to know each other. They would go out together and adhere to a set of norms that were part of the courtship process. If the courtship went well, then there was a period called engagement, them marriage. In the courtship process there appeared to be attention paid to mate selections and compatibility. There appeared to be , under courtship, a forward look at how the two would blend as a couple and succeed as a family unit. They sat and planned their lives, when they would have children, and how many, based on their financial situation.
In today's society courtship has been replaced by recreational dating. In the dating process everything is based on satisfying immediate gratification and sexual desires. Many men see dating as a way of self gratification and avoid trying to get emotionally involved. Most women, on the other hand, become emotionally involved quickly in relationships, resulting in very painful breaks ups. Then there is the good girl bad boy syndrome. This is when a girl who has good grades with supportive family falls for a guy with sagging pants, no job and just released from his third stay in jail. I can see his attraction to her, but I can't see her attraction to him!
I was raised in a family where my mother and stepfather were married over 50 years and only death separated them. My parents had 7 males, and no females. In my family dating was not allowed after all we were too young to think about marriage. We were discouraged from dating, any that we did was in secret, but soon got back to our parents. My dad warned us of getting trapped by a female with pregnancy because she thought we had money. How anyone could think we had money was a surprise to me. All 7 of us got out of high school without having any children out of wedlock. If we had fathered a child our dad would have insisted that we stand up and be a responsible man, because that was the way he was. We had a famous biology teacher, Ms. Loise Pierce, who taught us life lessons daily in class. I think I received a D+ in biology, but a B+ in life lessons. She would say, " you should never date anyone you would not consider marrying."
The secret girlfriends I had in high school were all smarter than me and were college bound. I was really socially challenged when it came to the opposite sex. I think I was kinda serious about 2 girls my entire high school experience.
It is difficult to find the right person whom you would like to marry, have children and spend the rest of your life. I once saw a book, at Rite Aide, titled "I dated Dr. Jekyll but married Mr. Hyde." The author was referring to the gentile Dr. Jekyll who would turn into the evil Mr. Hyde. Where does one meet a prospective mate? Night clubs, college, health club, church, friends, or on-line? I remember having a conversation with a couple of my single children about possible places to meet someone. I told my daughter that just because the guy went to church and professed to be a Christian was not good enough in itself. When I talked to my son about the same issue I suggested that he had a very good chance of finding a good woman in the church. Why the different advice? From my observations, and research most men pray less, go to church less, and are less likely to live a life based upon the scriptures. If you don't believe this ask some of the single sisters who have dated brothers in the church. On the other hand women tend to pray more, go to church more, and try to live out their faith as stated in scriptures.
It seems that mate selection, among many of our people, is by the unplanned birth of a child, or on some co-dependent relationship needs. Many, including church people, feel more comfortable just living together rather than marrying. How does the Black Church approach this when a significant number of young people are having children, many of the older ones co-habitation, and men not taking care of their children.
The process of mate selection is a very serious one that has long term consequence on the couple and the children. When I use to do pre-marital counseling I would suggest that couples not have children during the first 2-3 years of a marriage. I would strongly suggest this when I felt that the foundation of the marriage was on sandy ground. Why you ask? Well why have a child go through the trauma of conflict and possible divorce. The woman and child, if there is not family support, will feel the financial ,emotional and psychological aftermaths of such an ordeal.
The bible, especially Proverbs, informs us that some times insects make better decisions than we do. I was recently reading an article about how female Penguins choose a mate? She decides whether the male is likely to be a devoted dad. After choosing a male the female lays two eggs and returns to the sea, leaving the male alone to tend the eggs until she returns to take over. The dad is the sole parent for the first 2 weeks. The female looks for a male with enough body fat, that it will not have to leave the child to go in search of food. Wow, there is much we can learn from the female Penguin. I am sure there are other such examples in the animal kingdom. I thought man was the one God endowed with a brain and the ability to think and make decisions! Instead of using our brains we allow emotions to dictate and drive our decision making.
There are women who are in their 30's who are single and are about to panic thinking that they will be alone for the rest of their lives. They are beginning to think that maybe they have set too high of a standard for mate selection. For these women it is so tempting to lower their standards, because they are worn out and tired of the entire process. You meet some one, they appear to be mature, stable, and moral , but after a couple of months their true colors surface. After a while it is easy to convince one's self that this is as good as it's going to get, so I might as well try to make this work. "Never buy groceries when you are hungry, you will always end up with junk in your cart." The End!
