There is a time in each of our lives that we will become acquainted, and deal with the process of grief. Grief is defined as, "intense sorrow caused by the loss of a loved one." The term bereavement is the mourning state of sorrow over the death of a loved one. The person experiencing this process is called the "bereaved". In this journey through grief each one of us will have unique experience based on our gender, personality, and strength of spiritual beliefs. However, there are certain experiences, sometimes called stages, that are generally common to all who experience grief. I would like to share my journey with the hope that it will be of some benefit to you the reader.
There are many situations that may cause a person enter into the grief process. It can be divorce, separation, loss of job, loss of home, sudden illness, breakup of relationship, loss of relationship with family, or good friend. I will focus this essay on grief related to the death of a love one. However, the process is the same no matter what the cause of the grief!
My first real real experience with grief occurred in 1992 with the unexpected sudden death of my 33 year old brother Tim Washington in Hayward California. He was in the prime of his life, an excellent athlete who had played football at Cal, Fresno State, and was the drafted by the San Francisco 49ers in 1982. I had other family members die such as my grandmother, grandfather, and uncle and aunts, but the impact did not seem as great as when Tim died.
I remember receiving a call from my brother Rick who said, "Larry Tim is dead, I found him in his apartment today." When I heard his words I became numb, void of all feelings and became robot like. I remember shaking my head in disbelief and staring off into space. It all did not seem real, I kept saying "no no, no it ain't true
.(Denial/Disbelief ) I was the oldest of the 7 sons, and only my baby brother, and I lived in Fresno, so I was the one who had to go over and break the news to my parents. I had to pull myself together and go to my parents house in order to inform and comfort them. I tried going over in my mind how I would tell them, but that part of my brain seemed to stop working. The drive to their house seemed long and quick at the same time. I don't remember noticing any of the usual landmarks I commonly viewed on the way to their house.
When I rang the doorbell my mom answered, she was on the phone with Rick. She let me in saying, in an anxious voice, "Larry I have not heard from Tim, its been a week and I have not heard from him". I remember holding her and saying, "Tim is dead mom". My dad, who is a very quiet man, heard my words, put his head down and quietly sank into the shadows of the
house. At this moment I could not allow any personal feelings or emotions to surface. The only other times I had use this control of emotions was a night in Vietnam, and a time I asked to help clean up a homicide scene before the family arrived.
My grief process was threefold: First I was grieving for my parents who had just loss a son, and the reality that no parent thinks they will ever bury a child. Secondly, I was grieving the loss of my younger brother. However, I could not do both of these at the same time. Thirdly, my children had loss one of their favorite uncles to sudden death. I had to
delay my grief and be there for my parents, and my children.. This type of situation is common for most families. The family member who steps up to take care of funeral, pay bills, search for important documents, etc, must delay the grief process until they have completed their task. With this in mind it is not uncommon to find them grieving months and months after the funeral. For most people seeing this delay causes concern because of the extended grief period.
My grief symptoms began to surface some 3 months after the funeral. I found myself having intrusive thoughts of my brother. Once I was driving and I became
angry and burst into tears and began to hit my steering wheel saying dammit Tim why didn't you take care of your self. (He had died of viral pneumonia alone in his apartment.) I was angry at him for causing me so much pain because he neglected his health. I became self absorbed and blamed the victim. For many anger, at the deceased, or someone else they may feel had a direct or indirect impact on the death. It may be anger at a caretaker, a sibling, a parent, or anyone who had contact with the deceased.
In some families the
blame game may come into play. When my mom and brother, died in the hospital, I began to wonder if the correct medical decisions were made? My mother was under doctors care for years, but her health kept getting worst. Did the doctor really do a competent job treating her? Was he partially the blame for her death? When in fact it was probably his treatment that was keeping her alive in spite of her health. Wanting to blame someone, for our loss, is just another way of dealing with pain. In some instances the blame is justified as in the case of drunk driver, or homicide. In these cases we have to be careful that anger and blame does not extend our grieving process.
The next feeling is
guilt/bargaining. I felt guilty for not having more communication, and better relationship with my now deceased brother. I kept going over and over in my mind, all the things I should have done and did not do. If I had kept in contact like a good brother should I may have been able to make sure he got the medical attention he needed! For some there may be guilt for not leading a person to Christ while they lived!
In this step we may begin the question God! " Lord why me?" "Lord what did I do wrong to deserve this?" If we are not careful we can become estranged from the Lord in a time when we should be embracing Him.
The next step is
retreating into the world of depression and the re-evaluation of life in general. I felt that my world, as I knew it, had come to a complete standstill. Yet when I looked around I saw everyone else going on with life as usual. In my mind I would say, " don't you know what has happen to me, how can you all go on as nothing has happened." I no longer was interested in my work, I even considered quitting my job. I loss all motivation, with no thoughts of the future, just stuck in the here and now. I did not want to be near people because they all seemed so full of joy, and seeing that made me uncomfortable. I began to re-evaluate my life priorities and found nothing I was doing was really that important in the scheme of life's journey.
After several weeks I began to enter the final stage of grief which some call "
acceptance." I had slowly began to accept the fact that Tim was gone, and I knew he was saved and I would see him again. Even all my training, as a psychotherapist, did not make me immune from the grief process. At that time I was not a very strong Christian and really did not know or understand the practical applications of God's word for times such as these.
The real issue of grief, for most of us, is about us and not the deceased. My parents we 79, and 81 when they went home to be with the Lord. They had lived a long and fruitful life, and thy both knew the Lord. When they died I was sad because I would not see, or talk to them anymore. I felt sad that they would not see their great grandchildren play sports, graduate, marry, or have children. I was sad that my grandchildren would no longer be able to go their great grandparents house and be spoiled. Even now when I consider my own death, I feel sad that I will not be able to experience these same things with my grandchildren and great grandchildren.
As Christians we are not immune from grief, but as I Thessalonians 4:13 says, "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope." 2 Corinthians 1:3-6 "Blessed be the God and Father of Our Lord Jesus Christ the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Revelation 14:13 says, "Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord, says the Spirit. They will rest from their labors, and their deeds follow them." Our roles as Christan's is to ensure that all those around us are introduced to the Lord, and His plan to salvation. The scriptures tell us to love, forgive, have patience, long sufferings, slow to anger, kindness, gentleness, to show self-control toward our brothers and sisters. If we are able to live by these tenets when someone we love dies we may not experience so much anger, guilt and blame.
How should we give comfort to those who are in grief? The term comfort means to receive strength, encouragement, and hope to deal with adversities. As 2 Corinthians has told us that we who have been comforted, by God, should be able to comfort others. Those who have gone through grief, just take a moment to think about the things others did for you in the name of comfort and support! What was helpful and what was harmful? Unfortunately facing someone dealing with grief can be a awkward experience and one finds it difficult finding the appropriate things to say. Tell the person that you are sorry for their loss, that you will be there for them and that they are in your prayers. There are many sympathy cards that can verbalize grief much better than we ever can! Then ask them if there is anything that you can help them with. If you know the person well you may volunteer to help with the children, clean the house, cook, or run errands for them. The volunteering of help is needed, sometimes, because the person is so consumed that they have no idea what help they need. When giving support and comfort, make sure that it is spread over a period of time. Many have told me that for the first few weeks they were barraged with calls, visits, then all of a sudden the were alone. They had not attended church for several months and no one called to check on them.
When one is dealing with personal grief it is important that you do the opposite of what you feel. If you feel like isolating, you should be with someone. If you don't feel like eating, you should try to have soup or ensure. If you just want to lay in bed, you should try to get up and go for a short walk. If you feel yourself getting depressed seek counsel and support from a close friend, don't hide your depression. Do not increase your use of alcohol, or caffeine because this will adversely affect your mood and ability to sleep.
What is the average grief period? There is no average grief period because every one's situation is different, and every one's personality is different. It is important to note that men and women grieve differently. Men are not comfortable with experiencing emotions so they tend to get quiet, and isolate, or become involved with things that are a distraction. However, if some one is still grieving 3-5 months after the funeral, they may need to seek grief counseling from a professional, or attend a grief group such as "Grief Share" which can be found at some progressive community service oriented churches.
In rare cases some individuals hold on to grief as an expression of love, and non abandonment of the deceased. I have seen some who just could not let go because they felt that grief would would keep the memories of their love one alive. These individuals were stuck an unable to move on with their lives. These are the people who really could benefit from grief a grief counseling experience.
I have found that as I get older the more I am faced with loss. The elders in my family have been passing on at an increasingly rapid rate. In 2006 my 79 year old mother and 50 year old brother died within 5 days of each other. This was a double dose of shock and grief for the family. As I journey into my late 60"s I have grieved the lost of may of my 1963 Edison High class mates. These losses make me aware of how blessed I've been! It makes me realize that life is short, and tomorrow is not promised me. I will dedicate the rest of my days trying to be a living epistle, a light, and producing the fruits of the Spirit. One day we will all walk with our love one's in the company and preview of Christ Himself. God Bless I hope this was of some help to you to understand grief.
Note: (1) The fighting over the decease persons property, valuables has nothing to do with the grief process, but Geed! (2) I did not address the issue of children and grief in this essay.
